Better Than Me
by MelMat
Summary: Are there things you've said or done that you wish you could take back? Things that in a single moment can change everything. Mello tries to deal with loosing Matt NOT DUE TO THE KIRA CASE TOTALLY AU


Disclaimer: Matt and Mello belong to Death Note creators, Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata

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><p>Suggested Listening: Better Than Me by Hinder<p>

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><p>Matt poured his fifth shot for the night, and what he was drinking it really didn't matter. He was feeling invincible now. He smiled as the thoughts of his control freak asshole blonde were fading with each shot. He looked up, cussing at the screen that revealed the game over in red. He had a small thought of how he was suppose to be monitoring Misa and the fact he could careless anymore. The closer they got to Kira the further Mello was from him. Matt was sick of this whole bullshit case, pouring another and then another, he should've past out by now. Then again it had been a nightly thing for a while so tolerance was becoming an issue. It wasn't for another hour that Mello walked unexpectedly through the door. He was in an unusual happy mood, or maybe it was just the alcohol running through Matt's system.<p>

"Matt?"

He walked over to the couch to find the red-head sitting there doing nothing. He tried to talk to him, but Matt just stayed quiet. It was like he knew if he opened his mouth, there was a fight brewing in the future.

"What the fuck Matt?"

He looked at Mello with a half smile.

" Hello Mello." with a slight drunk giggle.

Mello was pissed, he started yelling at Matt. How he was left here to monitor Misa, it was important. Why the only thing he had to do with this case he failed at. Matt jumped up off the couch.

"Mello, I don't see you for days, fucking days and the first time you are home, you fucking speak to me as if I were a fucking child." his tone was odd.

"Matt, have you been drinking?" as he approached him.

"If I was, so what? You weren't supposed to be home anyway."

Mello looked at him like he had been hit in the face. He couldn't understand this attitude from him, he was never like this.

"Don't you have to get back to the base? You know they'll miss you, if you're gone to long." He looked at Mello with cold face. Matt had always harbored a kind of resentment that Mello never stayed at their apartment, it was like he didn't care at times.

"Matt, I don't have time to deal with your " Mello doesn't want me" mood. I told you I don't want any of them to know about you or who you are. If I stay here all the time they will eventually find out and that wouldn't be good for either of us. They could use you against me, don't you get that." he moved closer to Matt, his hand on his cheek, his lips pressed against his ever so softly.

Matt pushed him back, he didn't want to but the alcohol made his judgment call for him.

"Really Matt, fuck this- I don't need this shit, I came home to be with you tonight!"

He reached up to touch him again, this time Matt walked away. He was screaming at himself to stay. He need his blonde, his love. He didn't mean anything he was feeling now. He grabbed his car keys.

"I don't need you!"

That moment Mello felt a stab to his heart.

"Fuck you Matt! Just go! Get the fuck out, then!"

Matt turned and walked out the door to his car. It wasn't until he heard the car start did he realize Matt had been drinking. He ran down the steps , trying to get to the car before it moved, but he was to late. He ran after it as Matt pulled onto the street, speeding up- faster and faster. He watched the blonde shrink as he pulled farther away.

Mello watched as he approached the intersection. Matt wasn't paying attention to what was in front of him. His tears blurring his eyes as he watched the blonde behind stopped, it all happened in slow motion in front of him. Matt's car was hit on both sides, he heard the screech of metal, the loud sound of breaking glass, and one of the other cars came crashing down to the ground.

He ran like his life depended on it, jumping over the cars to get to Matt's. He reached it, kicking in the glass. He slid into the front seat, cutting his arms with pieces of the windshield. He pulled Matt's bloody form close to him. Matt looked at him, he leaned down to kiss his cut lip.

"M.M..Mello, I'm cold."

SSSShhh Matty, it will be okay, your going to make it." tears streaming from his eyes. He didn't know what he was going to do if he lost Matt.

"I love you Mels." He told him brushing his hand against the blonde's hair for a second, Mello closed his eyes at the touch. Matt's hand fell to the side as his breath shallowed to non-existence. He faded with the vision of his Mello.

Mello screamed out, crying to God, asking Why?. The people around just stared, the fire officials tried to take Matt away, but Mello wouldn't let them. He threatened anyone who dared take his love from him.

It was hours before he allowed Matt to be taken, he just sat there holding him, begging for this to be a dream.

He stayed silent in the apartment for days, until his phone rang. It was the funeral home. He expected it. He found himself walking through a bright hallway, into a large room. The crematory usually wouldn't allow the visual of a body, but this was sanctioned by Near. He laughed , what a joke.

Mello sat Matt's beloved DS and goggles (that he was to drunk to remember to take with him that night), beside him. The guy looked sadly at Mello, as he pushed Matt's beautiful body into the fire and locked it. He stood there watching as the flames of the confinement consumed his only friend, his best friend, his only love. His face had a cold blank stare on it, but his eyes were bright and shining. The silent tears streaming down his pale cheek.

Matt had decided that if something happened to him, he would be cremated and not buried. Mello had issued Matt's ashes be placed in a urn and in a specially made rosary. He wanted Matt to always be with him, where ever he was. That was the only way he knew he could get through this.

He made it home, it was silent. There was no games playing, no music. He slowly walked around the apartment. Everything he saw there was Matt. His strip shirts draped over chairs, his mess of games, the over flowing ash trays, and red bull cans. He didn't know how he was going to do this. He placed Matt's urn on the table, and walked to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he realized he was alone. Matt was gone. His Matt was gone.

He needed something to drink. He walked in the kitchen, to see the Vodka bottle still there, next to the shot glass. Mello stared at it. His anger came like a bomb. He picked it up, hurling it across the room.

The rampage last a few minutes, but it was a few minutes he didn't have to feel the pain, it was consuming him more and more every second. He wanted to scream for Matt, he was the only one that could make him feel better. It was always like that.

He remember the night they laid in bed after making love, the night Matt told him he would die without him. Mello, of course laughed at him, but pulled Matt closer to him.

At that moment Mello knew he couldn't do it. His Matt was gone, the only person in this world that loved him for him, temper and all. Matt never left him and was always there for him, how could he have taken it for granted.

He sat there, in hysterics, tears making it hard to see, he was going to go crazy. In that second he thought he felt Matt's hands on him.

He jumped up, looking around. He screamed out holding both sides of his head. He was going crazy so soon, shouldn't it take longer to have this happen. He picked up off the floor a picture of them when they were younger, the two little smiles off two inseparable boys. He smiled as his finger ran over Matt's face. He had memorized every freckle that lined that perfect nose and cheeks. He looked away, trying hard to suppress more tears that threatened to fall as something caught his attention and he froze.

He noticed the urn, it had fallen to the floor, it was broken. In his fury of a fit, he had managed to knock it off the table. He rushed to clean it up, but the shards off glass made it difficult. Every sweep of the ashes apologizing to Matt, thinking he could really hear him.

"I can't do this. I can't do this!" he cried out but no one heard him.

He looked down at the ashes, his tears dripping into them. He took out his gun and without thinking, put the gun to his head and held his rosary in his hand. He then closed his red tear stained eyes, prayed to God to forgive him and fired.

The gun shot was heard by the neighbors and within minutes the police busted down the door to the apartment. They stood in silence as they took in the scene in front of them. There was the blonde they had seen, not even a week ago, laying dead in the spilled ashes of his best friend, his lover- his everything.


End file.
